What I REALLY want for Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
No one left but the mouse
and Karen, who was snacking,
getting fat as a house.

I know I already made a wish list of petty little purchases I'd like for Christmas. If I wanted to let go of my ingrained frugality for a spell, I could easily cross off most of the items on that list. But there is something else I really want and won't get: to be done with my food issues once and for all.

It has been theorized that eating disorders never fully heal, and I believe it. I also believe that virtually all women, of all ages, have issues with food, and I do not claim that mine are any worse. Everything I eat is part of a thoroughly obsessed-over scheme, either to diet or binge, and leads to a predictable rush of pride or guilt. However, aside from that omnipresent anxiety weighing on me, my self-esteem about my body is as high as its ever been. I know that may seem... pathetic... to anyone who has heard me voice my doubts and hates, but it's all relative, and I've improved immeasurably from my youth. I know my body is far from perfect (distantly remote from "LA perfect"), and I've given up striving to make it perfect. I know I will never successfully diet, I know I will never get the surgery I've toyed about in my mind, I'll always stay within a range outside of "hot". But because I'm comfortable with that (remember we're speaking in relative terms), with my conglomeration of imperfection, I can do a lot more living, much more than I ever used to be capable of.

But still, if I could have just one wish, one Christmas miracle...